The language and terminology surrounding kiteboarding is always evolving. What’s a chicken bone? Fall glazing? Mothership? Read on and get educated.
Average scale: The best, most accurate, most modest way of describing wave heights—below average, average and above average. It even makes the Hawaiian scale look exaggerated.
Bacon: The ultimate cure for the common kite hangover. Everything tastes better when you add bacon.
Butt ball: A plastic ball theoretically designed to save your life. Comes in different sizes and colours to signify its importance or lack thereof on the save-your-life scale. Can be replaced by common sense and good judgment.
Butter: Smooth water. How minors take their tech penalty shots.
Chicken bone: What you call your donkey dick when you are in a family or professional situation.
Cluster: An ugly tangle of lines, kite parts, bladders, leashes, etc. See the back of my truck.
Cock block: The art of ruining a good time. In kiteboarding, a cock block is when a rider always gets in the way and makes other riders avoid him or her.
Divorce shower: What all good male friends should throw their recently divorced buddy when his ex-wife cleans him out, making his house an empty echo chamber. It’s a lot like a bridal shower, except there are guys, you get stuff you actually need, and the days following are more enjoyable rather than less.
Donkey: A general all-around adjective used to describe almost anything in kiteboarding. Can be used to describe how bad something is (donkey board) or just as a filler word when you need one (donkey strap).
Donkey dick: The plastic tubing that keeps your chicken loop fixed to your harness hook.
Double down: Taking two sessions while your friends talk about kiteboarding or knit a sweater.
Dropping bombs: Dropping huge cannonball landings from your jumps with your kite behind you instead of in front of you. See fear of the front hand. Fall glazing: Every fall, overconfident intermediate riders forget the basics, strut their stuff, and get the shit kicked out of them due to stupid mistakes.
Fear of the front hand: A chronic syndrome common in beginning jumpers. Can be cured by taking your back hand off the bar during first or large jumps.
Hemorrhoid: A small or large bladder bubble exposed from inside your bladder casing, normally around where the nipple comes out. If not treated it can cause a blown bladder.
Hindenburg: When your leading edge tips over towards you and causes your kite to fall from the sky leading-edge first. Can be cured with more wind or keeping your kite away from 12 o’clock.
Honey hole: A hidden body of flat water.
Hoop strength: The frame rigidity of an inflatable kite. Take a shot.
Hot launch: Launching your kite deep in the window with a lot of power.
Jedi mind trick: Bust out one of these when checking in 14 triple coffin bags at the ticket counter on the way to the British Virgin Islands. The end result? We got them all on as boogie boards.
Kite hangover: The feeling you experience after kiting your brains out for a solid day. Closely related to the alcohol hangover. Riders experience head and body aches, dry mouth, sunburn, dehydration, chafe, the sweats, etc. See bacon.
Leaky nipples: This one is always funny to hear but not fun to experience.
Lessons: Friends don’t let friends teach friends. Take professional lessons and enjoy your friend time swilling beer at the end of the day. You friends would really rather spend their valuable vacation time riding, trust me.
Lofting: The act of pulling the trigger on the beach.
Pulling the trigger: Pulling the control bar with your back hand to initiate a jump.
Shot rule: The best way to keep “teching out” to a minimum. Every time somebody uses a tech word or phrase, he or she has to take a shot of alcohol. Minors have to take a shot of butter.
Spaghetti mess: What your kite lines look like after a long swim back to the beach.
Testes: What will blur the vision of all good riders. Can be cured by extracting the I, me and my out of all conversations.
Unhooked: Open your body and your mind. Riding unhooked frees you from the bar and lets you see angles you’ve never seen before, both in flat water and waves. Try it.
Wax: Can I borrow some?
Wind whiners: Shortsighted riders who would rather be at work than enjoy a glassy day of surfing or riffling fish in a boat.
Yard sale: Bouncing, skipping, completely out of control, then launching a jump. The result looks much like a yard sale in skiing.